Dave's Hair Woes
by The Wigmonsters
Summary: PART 1: In which we learn that trolls don't really have hair dye, and now neither does Dave. PART 2: If there's one thing that Dave could have said about meeting Dirk for the first time, it's that at least it probably could have gone worse. Probably.
1. Prioritizing is Important

As Dave was carelessly clamboring out of the large pot he had been stewing in, his reflection caught his eye between the floating onions and carrots. He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair, lightly pulling some of it straight out from his head and staring a bit.

**GC: D4VE! WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG NOW?**  
**GC: YOU SUR3 4R3 T4K1NG YOUR T1ME LOOK1NG THOUGHTFULLY 1NTO TH4T SP1CY COOLK1DL3SS SOUP**  
**GC: 4R3 TH3 ON1ONS ST1LL C4US1NG YOU EMOT1ON4L TURMO1L?**  
**TG: nah im thinking of eating it**  
**TG: im starved and this coolkidless coolkid soup sounds like just the thing that would hit the spot**  
**TG: water and root vegetables graced with perfection by whatever skin cells and stray bicolor hairs i left behind**  
**TG: smooth with just a hint of cannibalism**  
**TG: be a shame to let this crap go to waste**  
**GC: B1COLOR H41RS?**  
**TG: never mind**

___'I'm going to have to take care of this soon.' _He smoothed the hair he was messing with back into place and continued on his way.

* * *

It had been about four months since the beginning of their journey.

When Dave deigned to grace the others with his presence, which was often because even the most aloof of assholes needed some human and/or troll interaction, Karkat had taken to staring at him.

Dave figured it was harmless, and honestly it probably was. He just hadn't gotten around to teasing the troll about it yet. He would eventually. Karkat's staring was increasing in length and intensity as time wore on, so he could take his time.

It didn't completely catch him off-guard when Rose brought it up first one day on one of the rare occasions where all of the meteor's occupants were eating together.

"Why the recent fascination with Dave, Karkat?" she said, less a question and more a statement that demanded a response.

Karkat jumped, apparently caught off guard by the observation, and turned to Rose, gesturing at Dave's hair.

"Why is it doing that?"

"You're gonna have to be more specific, Kar-dear," Dave drawled. "My body does a lot of things, many I'm sure you're very interested in."

Karkat glared at him and opened his mouth to deliver a no-doubt furious retort when Kanaya cut in.

"I had been wondering about that myself, actually," she said. "You humans do appear to have more variety in hair color than we do, but does it really change as much as Dave's is appearing to? It has changed at least once significantly throughout his lifetime from what I witnessed on the timeline feature provided by Trollian, and it appears to be changing again, though more slowly than the first time. It is very similar to his original color, though perhaps a tad darker."

"So ___that's_ why he was smelling more toasty!" Terezi said in exaggerated wonder.

Rose laughed.

"I assure you, while some humans' hair occasionally changes throughout their lives, it generally does not do so this abruptly."

"Then what is it?" Kanaya asked. "Is it some kind of disease?"

Dave made an offended noise, but Rose spoke over him.

"I take it you neglected to pack any hair dye in your sylladex, Dave," she said, her teasing smirk growing more pronounced.

"Yeah, no shit," he said. "We were in kind of a hurry when we left, and it wasn't exactly at the forefront of my mind when we ventured out. I didn't arrive on LOHAC and immediately say, 'Oh hey, there's a chance I'm gonna have to spend three years on a cold rock with a bunch of grey assholes, a mayor, and my sister. Better pack my shit full of hair dye immediately!'"

"I'm sure," Rose said.

"So wait," Karkat interjected, holding up a hand, "you people actually dye your hair bizarre colors? Like the way you dye clothes? What kind of pan-rotted bullshit is that?"

"Wait, you guys don't have hair dye?" Dave asked. "What about that douche who was hanging out with the troll who brought the Mayor back to life?"

The Mayor made a swooning motion next to him at the mention of Feferi.

"Eridan?" Kanaya said. "His purple hair was a small cosmetic mutation, thus why it corresponded to his blood color to some degree. Just not, uh," she glanced awkwardly at Karkat's glowering face, "just not a cull-worthy mutation."

"Yeah, I stopped caring the moment I asked," Dave said. Then he swatted at Terezi who was closing in to sniff at his head.

"So it's going to keep turning a yummy toasty brown?" Terezi asked. "No other interesting and potentially delicious colors? No more banana-vanilla yellow?"

"Nope," Dave said. "Soon that fruity vanilla delicacy will be swept away by Rose's scissors, never to be seen or heard from again. Unless I can recreate the dye in the alchemiter."

"No luck so far?" Rose asked, raising an amused eyebrow. "I suppose you're doomed to be a brunette. I hear it's not so bad. I wouldn't know since I got our father's hair, but our mother seemed to like it."

Though it wasn't obvious behind his shades, Dave glared at her.


	2. In Which Dirk Learns a Few Things

It seemed like Dave met everyone else first.

He already knew the trolls and his sister, of course, and seeing Davesprite for the first time in three years was probably the most lackluster reunion ever hosted in any universe. John and Jade (once everything was worked out on the mind-control-and-also-death front) were enthusiastic enough for all of them. The first meeting with Jane had been awkward for obvious reasons, but once everything worked out it was nice. Jake was exactly as enthusiastic as his ecto-offspring. Roxy was a combination of all the worst parts of Rose and himself and he loved her in the most unironic way possible.

He even met the other sprites first. Fefeta's blown kiss and bright smile was adorable and sugary, but by the time Erisol was flipping him off Dave was ready to start bursting into frustrated rhymes if he didn't at least get a glance at the bastard he just kept missing.

It was understandable, of course, since they had still been getting important bad-guy-defeating shit done the whole time since they'd arrived in the new session, and everybody was doing their own crucial thing the whole time. Dave was pretty sure John hadn't met one of his ecto-parents yet either.

That didn't make him any less impatient.

It wasn't until after everything was over and fucking done with, and they were all standing in the last dregs of the alpha session before heading out to (hopefully) claim their prize that Dave finally got to do more than watch him from a distance.

There thankfully wasn't a large crowd around them as they studied each other silently from a few feet away, most of the dark-haired dorks doing something loud and amusing elsewhere, but they weren't alone either.

Dirk's hair was a bit lighter than Bro's had been; it would probably darken with age. He was shorter, too, and chubbier, though it was hard not to be chubbier than Bro. He stood with less confidence, but more lightheartedness, less tense. His outfit was ridiculous, of course, but in a way Dave could appreciate. His lips were pursed and his face was arranged in a kind of weird expression that Dave assumed was his concentration face.

They stared at each other for a while, boring Karkat into walking away to join the others, leaving Rose, Roxy, and Terezi to watch them.

Finally, Dirk opened his mouth and before Dave could stop him said the absolute worst thing he could have ever possibly said:

"Wait, if you're exactly like my Bro in every genetic way, why aren't you blond?"

Rose's laughter haunted Dave for weeks.


End file.
